The Home Stretch– Reflections on These Last Few Weeks of Pregnancy
The Home Stretch– Reflections on These Last Few Weeks of Pregnancy | Third Trimester Pregnant Blog | Apollo Fields Wedding Photography
The Home Stretch
I didn’t realize what a mindf*** being 37+ weeks pregnant would be…
It’s kind of like this: I wake up in the morning and think to myself, ‘I could have a baby today’. I also think to myself, ‘It also could be another 4 or 5 weeks before we have this baby’. For someone who prefers structure and control, that’s a lot of variability.
On the other hand, I do feel grateful to technically have made it to “term” at all, considering that at 32 weeks we had a very legitimate scare when my body started showing signs of potential preterm labor and we had our first taste of things-could-go-wrong this pregnancy. Luckily, after a solid step back from working full-throttle and some much needed TLC, literally all of those physical symptoms reversed themselves (bodies are crazy).
So I am–pregnant AF– and waffling between still loving it and being over the whole thing. I had a good run of feeling pretty invincible and healthier than I have ever been, but this home stretch is REAL. By the time the sun goes down, which unfortunately is super early these days, I’m getting pretty crippled. My lower back tightens up, the baby begins assaulting my organs, occasionally getting a foot hooked under a rib, and no amount of cat-cows seem to do the trick anymore.
If I drop something and I can’t pick it up with my toes, it stays there. I now use the old lady bar to get my ass out of the bathtub. No-shave-November applied for most of my body. December doesn’t seem to be an exception. I have like four pieces of clothing that still fit me and two of them belong to my husband. In a nutshell, I’m not cute. But then I step back and also realize that this is probably the most beautiful I’ll ever be. I told you it’s a mindf***.
Terrence is good at grounding me even through the most sophisticated mind/body tricks that I can play on myself. “None of this was a guarantee” has become a bit of a mantra in our house, and that’s a pretty sobering reality, even for someone who has been sober for the last nine months. He’s right though, it was only two years ago that we were in the midst of the ectopic pregnancy and having all-too-real conversations with our doctors about how complicated it might be to have a future healthy pregnancy.
When I ruptured two Decembers ago, I didn’t just lose the baby but I also lost one of my tubes and a lot of blood. I gained a mess of scar tissue and was left with a lot of “time will tell” answers. We couldn’t have known it at the time, but I would end up getting pregnant again from the tubeless side (remember when I said bodies are crazy!?) which is crazy. My dominant ovary is my right one, and miraculously my left tube was able to haul over to the other side, scoop up an egg, and drop it off in the right place. Mind blowing, right??
Now, here we are, in the thick of this mess that is 2020, and also in one of the most beautiful seasons of our lives. The days are slower than they have been in a long time, and while I busybody myself with organizing our drawers and turning our freezer into a soup kitchen, we have also been able to spend guilt-free evenings tucked up on the couch together just savoring the fact that we’re in this space together.
Sometimes timing is perfect and tonight my dear friend Lindsey just sent me an article on this time of “Zwichen”, the in-between dimension of existence that is late pregnancy. Putting a name to this transition period is surprisingly helpful, and quells a lot of the questioning about whether other women feel the same push-pull of living within two worlds at once.
Everything feels like a contradiction and I’m learning to be okay with that. Falling asleep last night, I was staring at the mound that is my belly thinking how foreign my body looks and feels, and yet being more at home in myself than I ever have. How does that make sense? “Pay attention to that feeling”, Lindsey told me, assuring me of the role this feeling plays in labor.
There’s a heaviness and a lightness to these days. A sense of anticipation and peace at the same time. Wanting to work and be still run our biz like a boss but also wanting to nest and be home and hunkered down. Trusting in the journey but also wondering WTF is going to happen. So much that feels contradictory but necessary. It is hard to label what this transitory time truly feels like, so I’ll just still to “Zwichen” and leave the rest to the cosmos.
Photography: Mostly cell pics with a few gems by Lindsey Eden &. Lauren Wright
Half Baked: Twenty Week Bumpdate
Half Baked: Twenty Week Bumpdate | Apollo Fields Wedding Photographers
I have never been the kind of girl to try on a bunch of outfits before going out. In fact, I have always prided myself on not being that kind of girl. Now at twenty weeks pregnant, I am most definitely that girl.
On goes a shirt, off goes a shirt, on goes a dress, dress comes off, grab a tank top, hold it up in front of my chest, yeah that’s a no-go, throw it all on the floor in a pile. Then I’ll stand in front of the mirror half naked wondering how it is possible to barely recognize the person looking back at me. I will freeze in that frustration for a little while, then reach back into my closet for another shirt.
Rinse and repeat.
I can go way down the rabbit hole in this cycle of trying to make my tried-and-true pre-pregnancy clothes look the way they used to, but it is usually futile and ends up with me shoving them in my crawl space that I’ve now designated as the burial ground for clothes that I probably won’t see for another year or so. Another one bites the dust, then I slam the door shut.
I’ll reach for one of the hand-me-down maternity outfits I’ve been given and try to come to terms with that outfit. Leopard print. Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever worn leopard print in my entire life… am I about to wear leopard print today? Try it on-- yikes-- I am definitely not a leopard print girl. Throw that in the pile too.
So there I am, still half naked, still standing in a pile of fallen soldiers (I glance down at my favorite gray J.Crew shirt-- you were a good friend), and that god forsaken mirror reminds me that yes, my belly button just keeps getting weirder looking. “When did you get so fucking vain?” I think to myself, almost out loud.
I was deep in the struggle this morning when my husband walked upstairs and found me practically hiding in the closet like a dog on the Fourth of July. I was wearing nothing more than my underwear, a bralette, and my frustration and he just says, “You’re having a moment, aren’t you?”
Yep. Definitely having a moment and it didn’t take too long before I tried explaining how nothing fits and my whole body feels foreign and I am gaining weight in the one place that society has told me to never gain weight and someone jokingly called me ‘fatso’ yesterday but why didn’t that feel like a joke but also everyone tells me my bump is cute but maybe I should hide the bump better so people stop telling me to take it easy and not move a chair but more importantly my body is healthy and I feel great and why can’t I just be grateful that I’m healthily pregnant how many women would kill for this but I am grateful so why don’t I feel sexy??
Woof, dude. That run-on sentence was basically the word-vomit that came tumbling out of my mouth before I started crying. Or maybe I just cried my way through the whole thing but it didn’t take long before realizing that very little of this actually had to do with the way I looked or how I actually felt.
The truth is, I feel great. In many ways, I feel better than I did before we got pregnant. I have tons of energy, I eat like a monk, I’m active, I’m working, my skin has never looked better, I feel strong and I feel healthy. So what’s the problem?
The problem, as it turns out (and I shouldn’t be surprised because it is my dark shadow), is actually centered around control and power. I am afraid that by looking pregnant, people will assume that I either won’t be as good at my job or that I shouldn’t be doing it in the first place. Think this sounds like an outdated problem? Think again. I was literally reprimanded by an older Indian man at a wedding last week for shooting when I should be home resting. “Where is your husband?” he asked me, “Your husband should be taking the pictures instead. You should have an assistant”, he insisted.
My blood was boiling. Not only was I perfectly capable of working that job, but I was there to crush that gig, which I did. I plan on crushing gigs as long as I can, having this baby, and then getting back to crushing gigs. It is just what I do and who I am and that doesn’t automatically make me selfish or any less-mother.
So now I’m all revved up and high on my feminism but holy ego it’s time to check all that because Terrence reminds me that I am going to get a lot more pregnant and our priorities are going to have to shift eventually. A sobering thought for someone who derives as much of their sense of self from their ability to get-shit-done-for-themselves, but alas, he’s right. Things will change and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I have to realize that maybe I can’t wear my favorite gray J.Crew shirt for a while, but I don’t have to walk out of the house in leopard print, either.
People love to comment on women’s bodies. They especially love to comment on pregnant women’s bodies. This probably isn’t going to stop in the next few months, so it is up to me to learn how to navigate this new chapter. Unpacking my own skinny privilege and the pang of the scale every time I see the numbers climb is all valid and real, but the actual work for me comes up when I am told by a colleague, “Oh, I just assumed you wouldn’t be working now so I haven’t been sending you any leads”. That one that actually stung, and was maybe the reason I wanted to hide my bump in the first place.
Our identity is huge, and as women we forfeit a lot of that during pregnancy (and subsequently motherhood). It is not all bad: Personally, I have taken better care of myself both mentally and physically because for the first time in my life, it’s not just for me. Pushing myself to my absolute limits is no longer a badge of honor but can have very real negative effects on a baby, so I have had to find a long overdue new normal for myself. But I am still working-- I’m still shooting and I’m loving it and I really do plan on doing it as long as I can. Yes, things are shifting but at the end of the day I am still me, except now I try on clothes about forty times before leaving the house.
– Heather
Oh, baby! Announcing our Pregnancy in 2020: Vulnerability and Optimism in Photography
Oh, baby! Announcing our Pregnancy in 2020: Vulnerability and Optimism in Photography | Apollo Fields
The first thing I see when I look at these pictures of my wife, Heather, aside from her powerful, natural beauty, is the expression on her face. The way that the curl of her lips bends ever so slightly toward a smile as her chin drops a little. I notice the way that her jawline and the curve of her shoulder become parallel, creating a window of light between the shadows. As my eyes move down her arms and around her body, I begin to read the story wrapped into her posture; the gentle grip of her hands and fingers as they hug her breast and belly, the baby bump that protrudes from her pelvis in a blanket of light. Yet sitting in the whites of her eyes, the tragedy of our ectopic pregnancy lingers, staring back at the lens through a fragile shield of doubt. Then, although we will never forget, it disappears in an instant—as soon as you swipe the screen—and all that remains is Heather’s steely resolve. This is my wife. The soon to be mother of our first born child.
A couple years ago we shared a picture of us seated on the floor of our cozy cottage in Colorado, surrounded by cardboard boxes and cleaning supplies, crying as we were moving back east. We took great pride in this moment of vulnerability, in sharing the emotions that we were sure that anyone who has ever moved can understand. We shared it because we wanted to tell our story as authentically as possible, and to us that has to include the tears and tough times. We didn’t know that in the years to come we would build on this strength in vulnerability, and make it a cornerstone of our storytelling.
A couple of months later in 2018, Heather shared a post about her emergency surgery on Christmas Eve that resulted from an ectopic pregnancy. We now laugh at the image of our former selves crying on the floor in our Colorado home; oh boo hoo, I have to move. All joking aside, we recognize that a person’s vulnerability falls on a spectrum that is predicated upon their past, and that emotional walls stand to protect that which is fragile. We understand now more than ever that we must be careful with our words as they are symbols of our actions and beliefs. We have taken great care with how we deliver this personal message from our hearts to yours.
With the news of Heather’s pregnancy in early Covid-19 days, we were buoyed in quarantine with hopes of parenthood. Yet we each cast an eye of doubt at all of the good news that came out of the high-risk appointments, fully expecting another tragedy to land. Eventually, we made it past all those uncertain days only to see the tragic video of George Floyd’s death a couple days later. We watched as Black Lives Matter protests swept the nation and social media became even more flooded with animosity than it already is. Heather and I spoke everyday, rewriting take-after-take on what kind of message we should deliver in solidarity with BLM as Apollo Fields. We were trying to show our support for the movement while also delivering the news from our personal lives.
We were scared that anything we said could somehow be misunderstood. We were worried that our brand hasn’t represented the black community enough. We were worried that putting our clients who are persons of color front and center would appear disingenuous. We were (and are) increasingly appalled at the demonstrations of systemic racism that still run through the veins of this country. We questioned the American ideals of freedom and democracy altogether. We were vulnerable. We are vulnerable. And we should be.
Heather’s face in those pictures goes from worried to resolute. In that instant, you swipe away all of the nights of tears that we’ve endured. I think as a nation we were taught that Abraham Lincoln in 1863 did the same thing for blacks in this country—that he swiped away all of their suffering with one swoop of the pen—in June 2020 it is very clear that he didn’t.
I remember sending Heather into surgery on Christmas Eve, pulling words from out of thin air, trying to tell her that it’s going to be okay. I remember holding her hands when she got out as her purple lips trembled, her teeth chattering from the anesthesia. Are there any more blankets? She asked through her shivering lips. I remember just holding her hands—and looking into her vibrating green eyes—grateful that I could into them once again. I couldn’t imagine ever getting angry at her. I had never felt something like that before, like I momentarily understood the depth of human experience: there were no words, there were no feelings, there was just being who I had to be for someone else.
As I write this I am squirming in my chair, procrastinating by getting up to do household tasks I’ve avoided, diverting my attention from focusing on my own vulnerability. I’m grappling with the process of becoming a father amid a pandemic alongside the development of the BLM movement. It feels like I’m standing in a house and the walls are cracking all around me. Chunks of the ceiling crash into the wooden floor like meteors into the earth. I am holding my child under one arm, bowing my head over Heathers, trying to shield us as best I can. The open air in the doorway provides an escape but a support beam plummets down, blocking our path. There is no running.
This is the state of the world like it is the state of my mind. It is a battleground for what we and I stand for.
I stand for BLM, I stand for my child, and I stand for vulnerability; for I believe therein lies the strength to carry us from tears to resolve, from rebuilding a broken house into a stable one. It all starts by tearing down the walls, embracing our vulnerability, and sharing our story with the world. This is our life, the soon to be home of our first born child.
– Terrence
Announcing our pregnancy to family in the time of Coronavirus made for a lot of FaceTime calls but one very special social distanced trip to my 95 year old Nana.
Our celebration hike at Target Rock the day the doctors confirmed that we weren’t having another ectopic.
One of the only perks of being high risk was getting sonograms every few days and being able to see this little bean turn into a recognizable babe!
Still adventuring and still riding (bump in tow).
A slightly more predictable pregnancy announcement portrait. Could have dropped these instead but hey, that’s just not how we roll!
Maternity Photography in Arvada Colorado
Lindsey’s Maternity Session in Wheat Ridge, CO | Colorado Maternity Photos | Apollo Fields Wedding Photography
This sweet session gave me all the feels! Lindsey and Jeff were one of my 2017 couples who had an amazing wedding at the Grant-Humphreys Mansion in Denver. It has been so fun capturing their relationship through their engagement session, wedding, and now maternity photos as they prepare to meet their sweet little girl in just a few weeks!
I love specializing in weddings and it has been great for my business to be able to really focus and hone in my skills; however, there is something so amazing about getting to follow my couples through the years as they begin to grow their own families. I love switching things up by taking on these sweet maternity sessions whenever the opportunities arise. Lindsey and Jeff have such a caring way about them that is such a joy to photograph.
We got to spend the afternoon in Anderson Park in Wheat Ridge soaking in the light and some of the first sunshine that Colorado had seen in days after a stretch of cold and gray days. CO boasts “300 days of sunshine” but last week was not part of that count apparently. When we landed in Denver on Thursday, we were excited to hit the ground running with sessions but the freezing rain with no mountain visibility forced us to rearrange our plans a bit. Lindsey and I were checking in all day for this session because the skies were doing some wonky things and the weather reports were all over the place threatening to storm. But we decided to go for it anyway and look at the amazing light we got! We struck gold and I’m so excited to share these sweet photos.
It was such a privilege to capture this time for Lindsey and Jeff as they prepare to meet their little babe at the end of the month (hopefully she comes on time because then I’ll also be back in town to do her newborn pics)!
Heather is a Colorado & New York based wedding photographer who loves to follow her couples through their milestones after their weddings. Reach out to set up your own session or chat about your upcoming wedding!
Central Park Maternity Session in NYC
Krista & Kevin’s Maternity Photos | Central Park, NYC | Bethesda Fountain, New York City | Apollo Fields Wedding Photography
I was so excited to work with Krista and Kevin again (I shot their engagement photos in Central Park a few years ago) because this time we were meeting up to do their maternity session! I don’t take on too many maternity shots because it really is its own niche and I think specializing is awesome; however, I love being able to capture the lifetime milestones — especially for couple’s who I’ve worked with in the past for engagements and weddings.
It was great to catch up with this fun couple in New York and hear all about what they have been up to the last few years. Krista is from Finland, Kevin is American, and they live in NYC together. They are such a fun and dynamic couple and I love capturing their relationship. They are 33 weeks along and expecting a daughter in May which is a really exciting time for them! It is their first baby and they are getting excited with only a few more weeks left.
Maternity photos are one of those things that a lot of women sort of snark at, but I think when they are done by a professional photographer with good lighting can be absolutely stunning. I love these images for so many reasons, but I think that they really honor womanhood and this sacred transition of becoming a mother. I see these photos and I see strength and beauty, and a glowing mama-to-be.
I had an awesome time heading back into Central Park with them to capture this milestone! It was a beautiful Sunday and the city starts to come back to life after its winter hibernation. Spring in NYC is unlike anything else and this session was a little taste of that. We were also lucky to get an AMAZING golden hour and the light was just so dreamy! I could have shot them until dark because they are such a sweet and gorgeous couple to work with. I’m so excited for them to have these photos to look back on and remember this special time and I can’t wait for them to welcome their daughter in just a few more weeks.
