Newborn Photography in Hunterdon County, New Jersey

Ryder's Newborn Photography Session in Hunterdon County, New Jersey | Baby Photographer Apollo Fields | NJ Family Photographers

I got to spend an afternoon with Erren and her sweet new babe, Ryder, recently and just had the best time catching up with this mama and meeting her adorable new love. We had the best chats as we shot together and her words resonated with me so much that I wanted her to be able to tell her story and journey with motherhood in her own words. Enjoy this special narrative and sweet photos from such a great day!

“From the moment I saw those pink lines I had it all planned out in my head.

But you my love, had a different plan all along. You shocked us all and came earth side five weeks early, and for the past ten days you’ve taught me so much. 

Unimaginable strength during the craziest of times. Selflessness during your fast and furious birth and recovery. Love that I truly cannot put into words, and can only show you for the rest of your life. I didn’t know I was capable of any of this. I didn’t know my heart could be so full.

Ryder, you are so loved. You’re grandmothers cooked meals for us, and did the dishes we left in the sink. Your Aunt, and my rock of a bestfriend brought over bags of summer clothes for our supposed fall baby, and everything I needed to recover. Your tribe of aunties lit candles that burned for days to light your way into the world.

Everyone checked in on you, checked in on us. Anxiously awaiting your arrival. And your daddy...I couldn’t ask for a better partner in this lifetime and beyond. I could go on for hours about him, but you’ll find out. You’re already his world.

We experienced every emotion in those three days we were waiting on you in the hospital- and the days after you came. The same body that had housed you for the past seven and change months, that nourished you, kept you safe, kept you warm; was being pumped with bags of fluids, steroids, countless antibiotics, induction medication. With every needle stick, IV, and covid test, my focus was on you. I’d do it over a hundred times. Take the pain for you, take the meds, the pokes and prods. 

That same body responded. And it gave your little body the strength to come into the world swinging & absolutely perfect. 

Ryder James, you are our entire hearts”.

– Erren

Newborn Photography: Apollo Fields

Half Baked: Twenty Week Bumpdate

Half Baked: Twenty Week Bumpdate | Apollo Fields Wedding Photographers

I have never been the kind of girl to try on a bunch of outfits before going out.  In fact, I have always prided myself on not being that kind of girl.  Now at twenty weeks pregnant, I am most definitely that girl. 

On goes a shirt, off goes a shirt, on goes a dress, dress comes off, grab a tank top, hold it up in front of my chest, yeah that’s a no-go, throw it all on the floor in a pile.  Then I’ll stand in front of the mirror half naked wondering how it is possible to barely recognize the person looking back at me.  I will freeze in that frustration for a little while, then reach back into my closet for another shirt.  

Rinse and repeat.  

I can go way down the rabbit hole in this cycle of trying to make my tried-and-true pre-pregnancy clothes look the way they used to, but it is usually futile and ends up with me shoving them in my crawl space that I’ve now designated as the burial ground for clothes that I probably won’t see for another year or so.  Another one bites the dust, then I slam the door shut.  

I’ll reach for one of the hand-me-down maternity outfits I’ve been given and try to come to terms with that outfit.  Leopard print.  Wow.  I don’t think I’ve ever worn leopard print in my entire life… am I about to wear leopard print today?  Try it on-- yikes-- I am definitely not a leopard print girl.  Throw that in the pile too.  

So there I am, still half naked, still standing in a pile of fallen soldiers (I glance down at my favorite gray J.Crew shirt-- you were a good friend), and that god forsaken mirror reminds me that yes, my belly button just keeps getting weirder looking.  “When did you get so fucking vain?” I think to myself, almost out loud.  

I was deep in the struggle this morning when my husband walked upstairs and found me practically hiding in the closet like a dog on the Fourth of July.  I was wearing nothing more than my underwear, a bralette, and my frustration and he just says, “You’re having a moment, aren’t you?”

Yep.  Definitely having a moment and it didn’t take too long before I tried explaining how nothing fits and my whole body feels foreign and I am gaining weight in the one place that society has told me to never gain weight and someone jokingly called me ‘fatso’ yesterday but why didn’t that feel like a joke but also everyone tells me my bump is cute but maybe I should hide the bump better so people stop telling me to take it easy and not move a chair but more importantly my body is healthy and I feel great and why can’t I just be grateful that I’m healthily pregnant how many women would kill for this but I am grateful so why don’t I feel sexy??

Woof, dude.  That run-on sentence was basically the word-vomit that came tumbling out of my mouth before I started crying.  Or maybe I just cried my way through the whole thing but it didn’t take long before realizing that very little of this actually had to do with the way I looked or how I actually felt. 

The truth is, I feel great.  In many ways, I feel better than I did before we got pregnant.  I have tons of energy, I eat like a monk, I’m active, I’m working, my skin has never looked better, I feel strong and I feel healthy.  So what’s the problem?  

The problem, as it turns out (and I shouldn’t be surprised because it is my dark shadow), is actually centered around control and power.  I am afraid that by looking pregnant, people will assume that I either won’t be as good at my job or that I shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.  Think this sounds like an outdated problem?  Think again.  I was literally reprimanded by an older Indian man at a wedding last week for shooting when I should be home resting.  “Where is your husband?”  he asked me,  “Your husband should be taking the pictures instead.  You should have an assistant”, he insisted.  

My blood was boiling.  Not only was I perfectly capable of working that job, but I was there to crush that gig, which I did.  I plan on crushing gigs as long as I can, having this baby, and then getting back to crushing gigs.  It is just what I do and who I am and that doesn’t automatically make me selfish or any less-mother.  

So now I’m all revved up and high on my feminism but holy ego it’s time to check all that because Terrence reminds me that I am going to get a lot more pregnant and our priorities are going to have to shift eventually.  A sobering thought for someone who derives as much of their sense of self from their ability to get-shit-done-for-themselves, but alas, he’s right.  Things will change and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  I have to realize that maybe I can’t wear my favorite gray J.Crew shirt for a while, but I don’t have to walk out of the house in leopard print, either.  

People love to comment on women’s bodies.  They especially love to comment on pregnant women’s bodies.  This probably isn’t going to stop in the next few months, so it is up to me to learn how to navigate this new chapter.  Unpacking my own skinny privilege and the pang of the scale every time I see the numbers climb is all valid and real, but the actual work for me comes up when I am told by a colleague, “Oh, I just assumed you wouldn’t be working now so I haven’t been sending you any leads”.  That one that actually stung, and was maybe the reason I wanted to hide my bump in the first place.  

Our identity is huge, and as women we forfeit a lot of that during pregnancy (and subsequently motherhood).  It is not all bad:  Personally, I have taken better care of myself both mentally and physically because for the first time in my life, it’s not just for me.  Pushing myself to my absolute limits is no longer a badge of honor but can have very real negative effects on a baby, so I have had to find a long overdue new normal for myself.  But I am still working-- I’m still shooting and I’m loving it and I really do plan on doing it as long as I can.  Yes, things are shifting but at the end of the day I am still me, except now I try on clothes about forty times before leaving the house.  

– Heather